you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
