First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
