i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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