I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
