if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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