Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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