Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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