Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
