dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I think I am morally bankrupt
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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