no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
