how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
