It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
