I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
