Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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