the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
