Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
