made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
