ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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