i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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