Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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