theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
