Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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