Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
