dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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