I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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