I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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