My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Randomize
