I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
