I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
