Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
