trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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