She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Naked Twister starts at high noon
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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