meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
