He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
