I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The feeling are messing with the penis
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
