if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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