I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
