I am midnight drunk by noon
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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