have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
