all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
