genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You took a bar mat shot.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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