Only a mothe r could love this liver
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
The Olympian is in my bed
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
