I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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