Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
