He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
