I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
smell my finger.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
