the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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