In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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