I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
