Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
